Don’t be ashamed. We’ve all been there. Your boiler is finally putting out hot water, right? And in your excitement you’ve let that liquid heat flow out into your bathtub until the whole thing is filled right up, leaving no room for cold. Not that you would add cold even if there was room. Dilute expensive heat? Never! So you get naked, raise that icy foot of yours high into the air and stomp it into the bath, only to pull it back out, crying like a child as your toes throb with red hot pins and needles. Well, fret not! With this step by step guide to getting into a hot bath when you’re cold, there is no temperature that we can’t handle together!

Step One: Get Hot

Put that shirt back on! You’re going to want to keep your upper body warm because there’s still a lot of preparation to do before you get wet. Right now, you need to eat hot things to acclimatize your body. I recommend cooking a curry. Start by dicing an onion and frying it in butter until soft. Add chopped tomatoes, a tablespoon of cumin and a dash of turmeric. De-leaf coriander, chop the stems, throw the choppings in. But save those leaves for the end, you renegade. Throw in some coconut milk if you like, or some more tomatoes if you don’t. Chick peas, chillies and chunks of sweet potato will round this one off. Should be good in about forty minutes. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Hey, man. There’s a lot of curry here. I’m not going to be able to eat it all. Well, that brings us to our next step.

Step Two: Invite a Friend for Dinner and Moral Support

Invite any of your friends – your best friend, why not? – for dinner. This is the easiest par- you don’t have any friends? Oh, my bad.

Step Two: Make a Friend

There’s this really great app for making friends on the fly called Tinder. Download it for free, quickly take a picture of yourself for your profile (There’s no dress code; how you look now, in a shirt and nothing else, is totally fine) and start seeking out nice looking guys and girls. Oh, you see that guy there? The one with the big eyebrows? Yeah, him. Steve. He looks swell. Swipe and send him a message with your address. Steve should arrive before the curry is ready.

Step Three: Get Stuck In (To Everything)

When the ice is broken, serve up that curry with microwavable rice and watch as the compliments fly in. If Steve’s a good friend he will have brought some wine, or other classy beverage, along for the party, so crack that baby open and enjoy. Fast forward half an hour. Your head will be foggy, your stomach will be ready to burst and you’ll be all set to tackle that bath. Don’t be afraid – bring your new friend along too. He probably won’t need much encouragement. As he silently watches you from behind, dip your toes into the water and sigh contentedly. The water’s feeling more bearable already, isn’t it? That’s because your body is now as warm as the bath thanks to curry and friendship. Go ahead. Get in, stretch out. Hang on. Are you still wearing your shirt? Well, I guess that’s not too important. What’s important is that you’re finally wet. Steve probably feels jealous at this stage because, jeez, he wants to be wet, too. So don’t be stingy, yo! Pull your knees up to your chin and let him in.

There you have it. A fool proof way to get into a boiling hot bath without hurting yourself. You’re welcome, baby. You two enjoy your bath. I’ll see you next time, when I return with my in depth guide on how to use the toilet when the seat is cold.

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