Is condensation getting you down? Then you’re doing something wrong! Follow this easy bullet point list to figure out what you’re missing.

  • Keep the windows open when you shower, even when it’s cold out, so that condensation doesn’t build up in your bathroom.
  • When you cook, turn on the extractor fan above your hob to get rid of some of the steam.
  • If mould begins to appear near your windows or behind your bed, find some specialist cleaner in your local supermarket and use that to kill the mould dead. Try your best to keep that area dry and aired out.
  • Maybe buy a dehumidifier?
  • Wake up in the middle of the night screaming when you hear water dripping from your window onto your windowsill. Dry the windowsill.
  • Since you’re awake, go to the bathroom. Discover more dripping windows. Scream again. And again.
  • Keep following everybody’s advice on how to avoid condensation build up. Keep seeing your windows clouded by horrible airy water despite following everybody’s advice.
  • Break into nearby apartments and or houses to see if their situation is as bad as yours. Monitor for a few days to get good results.
  • Inevitably get caught in somebody’s bathroom.
  • Evade the police by hiding in the nearby woods, where legend has it a group of teenagers once murdered a Japanese schoolgirl.
  • Ignore your phone. It’s a trick. That isn’t your friend calling you. It’s the condensation, trying to find out where you are. It wants you. It has to have you. But we won’t let it.
  • Run from the sound of the sirens.
  • Run back the way you came, from the ghost of Dead Little Girl.
  • Dry your damp head with your slee- what is this? Face condensation?!
  • Look in your rucksack for help.
  • Eat the old slice of pizza that’s in there.
  • Empty your belongings onto the ground.
  • Crawl head first into your emptied rucksack so that your head and some of your upper body is concealed. Sob uncontrollably. Remain there until the heat dies off.

There you have it. An easy step by step guide to beating condensation. You’re welcome, children of the damp. You’re welcome.