This is me:

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I know what you’re thinking. “What the hell, Pooky? I don’t understand. How could you, a being of pure angst and beauty, get any hotter?” Well, you may not believe it, but I’ve got a few ideas for improvements…

Kittie Ears

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Kittie ears aren’t anything exciting – we’ve all seen a pair, either on T.V., when sitcom characters dress up as cats during Halloween episodes, or at home in the mirror when nobody else is there to watch us purr at ourselves – but they sure as hell are cute. Humans wear them to look silly, sexy or submissive (or to scare off vermin from the kitchen of your favourite French restaurant, but that’s a story for another day). They look particularly good, however, when they aren’t attached to one’s head by a headband, but are instead real ears. Real Kittie ears accentuate one’s natural feline-like facial features, making them attractive to all, as modelled by such characters as Ranulf from Fire Emblem.

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Look at those ears. Me-oow. He’s a hottie, am I right? If there’s anything that this guy has taught me, it’s that I’m attracted to cats. No, wait. I mean, that I would look good as a cat. Yeah. That last one.

Pointy Elf Ears

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Conversely, I could try out the more subtle, sexually-able ear alternative, Elf Ears. Elf Ears range from naughty Wood Elf to adorable Hylian, coming in all sizes and colours, as long as they’re pointy. But, you’re wondering, just how pointy are they? Can they pierce cling film? Can they scratch an itch inside of somebody else’s ear? And why are they more sexually able than other ears? Can they be used in the bedroom for more than just nibbling? The answers to these questions are unclear, but I have my suspicions.

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Look at those ears. Dirty as the night is long and as pointy as the Master Sword.

But perhaps we’re focusing too much on ear-y appendages. What other fantastical biological oddities could make me hot? Well, how about…

The Legendary Nipple-less Chest

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All pectoral, no nipple. As seen in such games as Final Fantasy VII, the nipple-less chest is a symbol of pure strength and the ultimate male aspiration. Mukki, as pictured above, wears this chest with dignity and confidence because he knows that in the dictionary, a picture of his chest is the definition of power. That could be me, guys. That could be me.

What makes this especially interesting is that partners could draw their own replacements where my nipples once were, if for whatever reason they wanted something lesser, making our evenings together both creative and sensual.

Quick Reload

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As seen in romance novels and the best kind of dating simulators, the Quick Reload isn’t an attractive surface feature but an innate ability that heightens your sexual reputation. Only available to men living in fantasy realms, the quick reload allows you to continue having sex immediately after ejaculating. Climax? More like climb on!

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Some alternate branches of this skill include a penis that grows larger the closer it is to orgasm, growing more and more as each moment bumps and grinds by until it, surely, must be bigger than whatever it is inside of. If I had this ability I would no doubt be the talk of the town. Men would want to be me and men would want to be with me.

Wings

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Not those kinds of wings.

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Wa-hey! That’s more like it!

With wings I could fly. And flying people are automatically attractive. What’s more, I could wrap my partner in my new limbs when we embrace, transporting them to a world of feathery foreplay. And even if I lose one in a tragic traffic accident, my buddy Sephiroth has assured me that I could still look snazzy with just one and would not, in fact, flap helplessly in circles while airborne.

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Any/all of these features could improve my sex appeal. If only they were realistic. Until science finds a way, then, I guess I will simply continue as I am – sexy, but not as sexy as fictional characters.

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