What’s that? You want to learn how to play an instrument, but you’re not sure where to start? Well, sonny boy, I’ve played the lot of them, so sit here with me and twiddle my beard while I give you the lowdown on what’s easy to play, what’s difficult to master, and which instruments go best with your aesthetic.

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The Ukulele

The uke is in right now. At least, that’s what these young folks on tumblrgram are telling me. “Everyone is getting down to the hootin’ humdiddy of the baby four strings,” they says. But why might that be? Well, first of all the ukulele is light to carry, it’s not too hard to learn, and if the drummer in your future band loses their drumstick halfway through a song, then they can just borrow your ukulele to knock out the rest of the beat. Handy, right? A good place to start if you’re a beginner.

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The Guitar

The proclaimed ‘Big Daddy’ of all instruments, the guitar is actually female, despite its omniscient phallic shaft. With two more strings than the ukulele, your chances of strumming the wrong string are increased, as are your chances of strumming the correct string. In particular, the guitar is useful for beating heretics over the head. It’s also good for crying into when you’re alone, as the echo effect produced makes you feel like you’re socializing with it. If, after buying a guitar, you suddenly decide that it’s too difficult to master, despite these benefits, switch it for a friend’s ukulele when they’re not looking. Convince them that, no, they’re instrument hasn’t got any bigger, they have simply become smaller.

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The Harmonica

An instrument mostly favoured by those playing on new game +, the harmonica deals very little damage to enemies and is resisted by most bosses. Only a truly masterful musician with hella great hair would dare to use this. Don’t believe what those free tutorials on the internet tell you – only myself, Matt Ishida from Digimon and Moonlight Dong (my flashing stage persona) can actually play the harmonica, and even then only Matt sounds any good doing it.

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The Piano

This is a nightmare, pure and true, for in learning to play it you are also expected to learn a foreign, alien language and then read that while strumming the keys with your fingers – only it’s not strumming, it’s like a kind of groping? Playing the piano is a rewarding pursuit as long as the piano doesn’t chew off your fingers while you play. Bear in mind that the instrument only really plays melodramatic ballads or cheesy sitcom jingles most of the time, so it might not be worth the effort it takes to learn it. That said, if the piano is in a good mood on Christmas it might play you some Beethoven, but only if you got it a really good present, like a Nintendo 64, or something.

You must feel like you’ve learned a lot in these past two minutes. If I missed anything that you have burning questions about, though, then feel free to leave a comment telling me so. I will do what I can to impart more wisdom. Peace.

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