Do you ever feel like you’re just floating through life, a bland entity in a world of enigmas and spicy characters? Then you need a new role to play! It’s time to shed your boring, well-adjusted skin and become a more interesting, somewhat more dysfunctional member of society. Here is a short list of roles for you to play.
The Hot Head(ed Goofball)
A classic. The Hot Head(ed Goofball) is endearing, passionate and goal oriented. However, they’re also gullible, easily goaded, and often that little bit stupid. Role playing as The Hot Head(ed Goofball) should increase your daily arguments by about 2000%. If done right, though, your friendship circle should also increase by about 2000%.
Start by blowing up over perceived insults whenever somebody makes a sarcastic comment. Fight the wrongdoer, instead of waiting for an explanation. Later, spend time stamping around in circles, muttering to yourself angrily. Furthermore, if, over the course of your day, you are met with an obstacle that blocks your progress, you should either punch it or fall to the floor and sob helplessly, or both. This will show onlookers that, although you’re temperamental, your intentions are pure and your fights with others are not personal, because you also fight with yourself.
A good way to make this role play more authentic is to visualise that your hair is on fire, like Hades in Hercules. Then, whenever you get upset, pretend that your locks of flame are growing taller, redder and hotter. This will urge you on to greater heights of hot-headedness.
Remember, though: unlike with Hades’ character, kindness and sincerity are key attributes for The Hot Head(ed Goofball,) despite how often they get into fights. By default, you must smile widely to play this role, and you must do your best for others. Otherwise, you will simply become the angry person that nobody can work with, lest they get burned. This makes The Hot Head(ed Goofball) one of the trickier roles to pull off, due to it being a delicate balancing act of fighting and loving. However, it is all the more rewarding for this when you get it right.
The Angsty Prince/Princess
A personal favourite. The Angsty Prince/Princess is a noble character who craves success, but who can’t help from failing. Their life is tragedy. Their pain is great. Their overreactions are fun to laugh at. Others, like family, friends and co-workers, will continually try to love them, but The Angsty Prince/Princess can’t be loved until they have learned to love and accept themselves.
This is a perfect role for those of you who want to play the game of life with a little added difficulty. Angsty Royalty must keep others at a distance as if through a wall of ice that can only be brought down by tenacious, warm smiles and heartfelt words. They cling to their icy wall desperately, and will not respond kindly to well intention-ed people who try to break through it. Such acts will be met with fear, anger and then an explosive reaction of some sort that can’t be taken back.
When you have made it this far into the role play, either because you have punched somebody, tried to set them on fire or frozen an entire kingdom, then your next step will be to disappear without letting anybody know where you’re going. Through isolation and reflection you will slowly start to realise that life is, in fact, rather cold inside of the ice, and that really you’re more of a summer person. You lie in wait, uncomfortable in the knowledge that being alone isn’t enough for you anymore.
Eventually, you will reach out to somebody, or somebody will reach out to you, showing their affection for you despite your supreme angst. Thus, you will break free from the ice, finally allowing yourself to become vulnerable for the sake of love and friendship. This is a role play that can be started and finished within mere months, or lengthy years, depending on the person playing, making for a story arc that can be bent to fit around your schedule.
(I’m pretty sure that Kylo Ren is being setup as an Angsty Prince. So, look to him as inspiration for an extra dark version of this trope.)
The Rival either wants to be better than their opponent in every way, or is accidentally better than their opponent in every way. Always a step ahead, always a shade more confident, they are considered an asshole by their enemy yet adored by everybody else. Why be a regular protagonist, when you could be this, instead?
Becoming The Rival takes the most effort out of all of these role plays, as you will learn, but it is quite straightforward and not very emotionally draining. First, you must choose somebody to compete with. Look around at your classmates, colleagues, teammates, etc, and pick an up and comer – somebody with lots of spirit. You will break that spirit and stomp it into the dirt, for you are their Rival now.
Start doing exactly what they do, but better. Walk home the way they do, but a few steps faster. Take up their hobbies; kick their butt in them. Stay up all night thinking of cool catch phrases and sick burns to throw at them willy-nilly. Then, someday, when they seem in dire need of help, either because they’re being bullied or they’re being bested, bail them out, cementing in their mind that they are the lesser and that you are The Unstoppable, Unbeatable Rival.
Having come this far, you will have spurred yourself on to be the best of the best. Enjoy this time while you can because, sadly, it won’t last forever. It is part of The Rival’s arc to eventually suffer catastrophic defeat at the hands of their enemy, so don’t feel bad when you are eventually taken down a notch. Bow out gracefully; start a new role play. You should get anywhere from a year to a decade of being the best before that comes around, though.
Is your life too stressful/busy for you to carry out something so tiring or work intensive as the previous three role plays? Well, fear not, for there is a role that even the busiest of persons has time for. The Grunt needs to do nothing but agree with, obey and chuckle at everything that their boss says.
To play this role you must first find a boss. Start by attending a party or going to a bar. Seek out somebody who looks a little bit villainous, then proceed to nod your head and enthusiastically agree with every piece of crap that comes out of their mouth. Gawp at their smart outfit. Orgasm over the sound of their monologue-ing. Sniff them; pretend you didn’t. Be. The. Grunt.
When somebody disrespects your boss, start a fight with them, then lose easily. Lose every subsequent fight that you ever get into, too. Make the boss wonder why they keep you around. Kiss your boss’ ass, metaphorically or literally, to remind them that you give them self esteem, just as they give you purpose, and that you have a symbiotic relationship with each other.
This role play ends only when you die, when you move away by dead of night, or when you stab your boss in the back by calling the cops on them, stealing from them or eating them, re-titling yourself as, perhaps, The Usurper. But that, my friends, is a role play to be discussed another day.