For a change, I put the milk in before the tea. I show up for work ten minutes late. I loiter when I’m busy, rush when I’m not. I write a best seller, keep in good contact with my friends and only shower once a week. For a change, I pee with the door open. I spend thirty hours not playing my new video game. I hope for cloudy weather. I swim in my clothes. I fantasize about women. I worry too little. I wear dirty laundry, wash clean garments and tell you, “I love me,” for a change.

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