In today’s twisted world, where low life restaurant staff demand to be treated with respect between periods of scrounging for tips, you must stand firm in your belief that you, as a customer, are God, and that those serving you are dirt. It is not only your privilege to talk down to staff in the food industry, it is your duty; and to deny your duty would be to allow the riff raff to rise up and develop their own self-esteem. This would be most undesirable, for only those with the money to eat out regularly in semi-formal restaurants (and above) deserve to have self-esteem.

Below, I have constructed some natural dialogues for you to study, so that you might learn how to better talk to your servers with disinterest, condescension or contempt.

Let us work hard to bring about a better world (for ourselves!)

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#1 What do you mean I can’t have fries?

“I’m sorry,” a young, weary waitress, who clearly didn’t bother putting on enough make up today, says. She could be pretty if she tried, or if she smiled. “Our fryer isn’t working at the moment. We can’t serve French fries right now.”

“Oh,” the strong, handsome customer, with sexy, greying hair, says. “And here I thought I had come to a good restaurant. I suppose I’ll just have to have vegetables with my pork, wont I?” He turns to his dining partner as if the waitress isn’t there anymore, but talks loudly enough for her to hear. “Since apparently I can’t have what I want.”

The key in this example is for the customer to not simply show disappointment, but to establish hurt, as if not having fries has stirred a similar pain to when their beloved house cat was hit by their neighbour’s car.

The cherry on top is for the customer to treat the server like an inanimate object and to blame them specifically for what has happened, as if they were the ones who, in this instance, broke the fryer in the kitchen. The waitress’ guilt will be so strong that she will treat the customer’s table twice as well as she will treat others in her area. If she doesn’t, the customer should leave a bad review on TripAdvisor.

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#2 I’ll never make it to afternoon tea at this rate…

“I’m very sorry,” a male waiter, who holds his hands camply at his sides, fingers splayed, when he walks around, says. “I took your order ten minutes ago, but I just realised now that it didn’t send to the kitchen,” he explains, with an effeminate voice. He’s definitely one of those homosexuals. “I’ve fixed it now, but your dessert will take a few minutes to arrive.”

The poor customer knows not what to do, so she laughs, angry blotches forming on her otherwise perfect face. This sign of weakness is quickly amended. “I have never seen such bad service in my life. I’m going to be late for my train at this rate.”

“Oh,” the waiter says, taken aback. “I’m sorry.”

“I come here every week, and this is how you treat me? I want to see the manager. Now.”

As you probably noticed, rigorous student of mine, the most important thing to do in a situation like this is to assert dominance as soon as possible and show no mercy. The customer above thinks on her feet, getting over the initial shock of the situation by going above the waiter and calling on his manager. This is an expert move.

Bear in mind: managers are a little harder to manipulate than regular waiting staff, but given the customer’s angry, red cheeks and their inevitable threats to leave a bad review on TripAdvisor if they are not compensated, this encounter should result in a free dessert. The customer should go ahead and leave a bad review, anyway, to let the staff know that they are not to be trifled with.

Ha! Trifle.

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#3 Nobody told me about a deposit!

“Ok. Your table is booked for Christmas Eve, for twenty people, and we’ve got your pre-order form filed away safely,” the restaurant supervisor says, overly energetic, annoyingly happy, like he’s downed an espresso, or worse, like he’s been on the drink. People these days. Good heavens.

“Thank you,” the lovely customer says, gracious, only mildly annoyed by the supervisor.

“At this stage we just need a deposit of £5 per head.”

The customer recoils. “Deposit? Nobody mentioned a deposit.”

“Oh?” The supervisor is confused. “Somebody left a note saying that they told you ab-“

“I know nothing about it!” the customer interrupts. “I can’t get a deposit from everyone. Most of the people coming don’t even have phones.”

“I see. Ok, well-“

The customer growls. “This is ludicrous! I’m so angry!”

“I’m sure we can sort something out for you,” the supervisor tries, to no avail. “There’s no need to-”

“Forget it. Cancel my booking.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You’re going to be,” the customer says. “I can’t believe this. I just wanted to come out for a nice meal. This is all your fault! You’ve ruined Christmas!” She storms off, leaving the restaurant supervisor to melt in a puddle of his own inferiority and uselessness.

Here we see a customer doing battle with a supervisor. This is more difficult than doing battle with a waiter/waitress, but the customer comes out on top regardless thanks to their steely attitude and refusal to be manipulated into paying a deposit. What kind of a restaurant requires large parties to pay deposits during December, anyway?

All of them?

Oh.

Well, at least the customer put that supervisor in their place!

Be like this customer, people, and like all of the customers showcased above. When restaurant staff fuck up, they need to know about it. We must do everything in our power, short of bending them over and spanking them, to make them feel the pain of their mistakes and the suffering that they are thrusting upon us with their bad service.

Get out there and kick some ass, customers! And don’t forget to leave scathing reviews online!

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